Monday, November 21, 2011
Learning to Play
Last Monday, Nov. 14, I took Molly to her OGBYN dr. appointment. We were both nervous, I think. She had had very high blood pressure the week before and was put on semi-bed rest. A really hard thing to do with a 2 year old. Jeff's mom and I took turns either being at the house to help with Jack or we took him home with us. I have to admit, it was sort of a long week.... However, it all worked out fine. In fact stupendously better than fine. On Friday, I took Jack to a place called 'Pump-It-Up,' a place that is filled with those bounce houses you can rent. They had some really big bounce-able activities there. It was a little overwhelming for me at first. Jack, however, was totally in his 2-year-old-lets-run-and-be-crazy mode and was delighted! He naturally gravitated to the really big pieces and all I could think was "he will get stuck and scared and will have to rescue him!!!!! and I don't know if I can do that and then what will I do.... I am old, I am still in my post-foot operation shoe, and oh my gosh I have to take it off and follow him around...please God, don't let anything bad happen to my foot...and, oh yes, or Jack too"
God was surely listening and Jack finally settled on a more manageable house. So do I let him go in by himself or do I have to go toooo???? He crawled in and came to the front screen and in his funny little way said to me, " c'mon Mimi"(supposed to be Grammy, but who cares), and uses his little signal of curling his fingers into his hand, and I was caught in a dilemma; what will happen if I don't go and what will happen if I do....?
So, as I always do, I did what Jack told me to do and crawled into a short tunnel (did I mention that I am claustrophobic?) that was pretty much kid size, and I was in. There was a dad in there with his daughter and he was bouncing to bounce her and, of course, Jack and me too. I hurriedly looked around and settled (sat) close to a sort of corner. Jack started careening into me, squealing with delight when I threw him against the wall and he toppled back into me and the fun (and it was really fun) began. We were rolling all over the place and pushing each other (I never stood up! I am not the most coordinated person in the world and in a bounce house... Horrors!) but we were both were breathless with laughter.
After that we did tackle a huge, gigantic slide where you had to go up this latter thing... Jack would slip down it while I was (carefully) going up it so I basically pushed his little bottom up as I went. We were collapsing with laughter. Who thought a sort-of ladder would be so much fun??? We finally got to the top and it was a long way down. Altho I don't like heights, Jack is all for them, so we sat down, held hands and went down down down.... Luckily, there was a big cushion thing at the bottom that we plowed into to stop.
There was no stopping, as such, us after that. I finally looked at the clock and I could not believe we had been there 1 1/2 hours! Jack did not want to leave, but I began to wonder exactly how my body would feel the next day.... To tell the truth, I was a little relieved to put my safe, but ugly, after- foot-surgery shoe. It was late so I decided to stop at our favorite Sonic to get a grilled cheese. Jack fell asleep on the way there and I had to wake him up to eat and then to put him down for a nap.
I did not play much as a child. My house was a scary place to be and once I began escaping to read, I played even less. So basically, I never learned to play and have fun. That is sad. Jack has filled my life with opportunities to learn to play, Jack style. God has been oh, so wonderful, in giving me such a delightful playmate. And now there is Owen. I wonder what it will be like to have 2 little boy playmates? What fun!
God was surely listening and Jack finally settled on a more manageable house. So do I let him go in by himself or do I have to go toooo???? He crawled in and came to the front screen and in his funny little way said to me, " c'mon Mimi"(supposed to be Grammy, but who cares), and uses his little signal of curling his fingers into his hand, and I was caught in a dilemma; what will happen if I don't go and what will happen if I do....?
So, as I always do, I did what Jack told me to do and crawled into a short tunnel (did I mention that I am claustrophobic?) that was pretty much kid size, and I was in. There was a dad in there with his daughter and he was bouncing to bounce her and, of course, Jack and me too. I hurriedly looked around and settled (sat) close to a sort of corner. Jack started careening into me, squealing with delight when I threw him against the wall and he toppled back into me and the fun (and it was really fun) began. We were rolling all over the place and pushing each other (I never stood up! I am not the most coordinated person in the world and in a bounce house... Horrors!) but we were both were breathless with laughter.
After that we did tackle a huge, gigantic slide where you had to go up this latter thing... Jack would slip down it while I was (carefully) going up it so I basically pushed his little bottom up as I went. We were collapsing with laughter. Who thought a sort-of ladder would be so much fun??? We finally got to the top and it was a long way down. Altho I don't like heights, Jack is all for them, so we sat down, held hands and went down down down.... Luckily, there was a big cushion thing at the bottom that we plowed into to stop.
There was no stopping, as such, us after that. I finally looked at the clock and I could not believe we had been there 1 1/2 hours! Jack did not want to leave, but I began to wonder exactly how my body would feel the next day.... To tell the truth, I was a little relieved to put my safe, but ugly, after- foot-surgery shoe. It was late so I decided to stop at our favorite Sonic to get a grilled cheese. Jack fell asleep on the way there and I had to wake him up to eat and then to put him down for a nap.
I did not play much as a child. My house was a scary place to be and once I began escaping to read, I played even less. So basically, I never learned to play and have fun. That is sad. Jack has filled my life with opportunities to learn to play, Jack style. God has been oh, so wonderful, in giving me such a delightful playmate. And now there is Owen. I wonder what it will be like to have 2 little boy playmates? What fun!
Friday, October 28, 2011
Being Graced
I know this kind of poem has a name, but I have no idea what it is. I created this when I was actively working through the Artists' Way by Julia Cameron. I love the idea, the thought of grace and how God so mercifully blesses us by raining down often undeserved kindness and favor on us.
Graced by much.
Graced by much surprise.
Graced by much. Surprise over
and over again.
Graced by much. Surprise over
and over. Again I feel precious.
Graced by much. Surprise over and over.
Again I feel. Precious feelings swelling.
Graced by much. Surprise over and over.
Again I feel. Precious feelings. Swelling over
my heart.
Graced by much. Surprise over and over.
Again I feel. Precious feelings. Swelling over
my heart and running down.
Graced by much. Surprise over and over.
Again I feel. Precious feelings. Swelling over
my heart and running down all the way to my toes.
Graced by much. Surprise over and over.
Again I feel. Precious feelings. Swelling over
my heart and running down all the way to my
toes that make me jump for joy.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Pics!
I promised a picture of Jack. He is undoubtedly the cutest (naughty) 2 year old EVER!
He is totally into guitars and music. This one was from his Grammy! (me)
His parents are ok too!
And here is Jack's Aunt Kat!
What else can I say about them??????
On Becoming Authentic
Authentic. Sounds like a powerful word, one I am trying to live into. I found a good, working definition of authentic today in one of the devotional books that I read, Reflections for Ragamuffins by Brennan Manning: To open yourself to another person, to stop lying about your loneliness, to stop lying about your fears and hurts, to be open about your affection, and to tell others how much they mean to you.
I have had a very hard new experience lately. I had foot surgery about 1 1/2 weeks ago. I was SO fearful about having it. So scared that I updated my folder with "End of Life Instructions!" and told Kat where it was just in case.... That is really over the top! I scared myself. I nearly had a panic attack at my pre-op (and pre-pay a bunch) appointment and then almost again when I went to pre-check in (and pre-pay a bunch again) at the surgery center. What was gong on? I even told Molly and Kat, and I usually try to spare them that kind of stuff. Mothers aren't suppose to be scared and telling their children about it are they? Mothers are suppose to be ... the mothers.
I prayed alot about this a lot, asking God for answers, to show me why I was flipping out over this pretty routine surgery. I had gone to the grocery store, pet store, etc. It was all set up, all my ducks in a row, so to speak. I had it taken care of.
Molly, Jeff and Jack were gong on a trip to visit a cousin and Jeff's brother and would be gone when the surgery took place so I went to tell them 'bye' and I was leaving and Molly told me they would be holding me in their prayers, I realized what was going on. And this was it.... When I was married, when I went to birth the girls, when I brought them home from the hospital, the times I had gone for day surgery, or in-office surgery, my now ex-husband never took me or picked me up. I had to arrange my own rides, both going and coming home. It was totally up to me to survive the experience the best way I could.
It did not happen that way this time. My Thursday Sisters group prayed over me, Kat offered to take me to the surgery center and a dear friend offered to take me home. Kat sweetly came back after work and spent the night with me. I did not have to ask. They were just there. Kat came by every day after the surgery for a week. Just to see how I was. People called and checked... In other words, I had gone from being totally in charge of all of it to having people in my life who lovingly offered to help. It was hard to let them care for me. It was so very foreign and HARD.
God has spent a lot of time this year trying to teach me to let my children and others love me and do loving things for me. That I was more than deserving of this love from them. That like Him, they loved me just because.... not because of anything I have done or said, but just because.
Authentic. What I started with. I got to work a little on each part of that definition. This experience has been all about me moving towards being more authentically me.
I have had a very hard new experience lately. I had foot surgery about 1 1/2 weeks ago. I was SO fearful about having it. So scared that I updated my folder with "End of Life Instructions!" and told Kat where it was just in case.... That is really over the top! I scared myself. I nearly had a panic attack at my pre-op (and pre-pay a bunch) appointment and then almost again when I went to pre-check in (and pre-pay a bunch again) at the surgery center. What was gong on? I even told Molly and Kat, and I usually try to spare them that kind of stuff. Mothers aren't suppose to be scared and telling their children about it are they? Mothers are suppose to be ... the mothers.
I prayed alot about this a lot, asking God for answers, to show me why I was flipping out over this pretty routine surgery. I had gone to the grocery store, pet store, etc. It was all set up, all my ducks in a row, so to speak. I had it taken care of.
Molly, Jeff and Jack were gong on a trip to visit a cousin and Jeff's brother and would be gone when the surgery took place so I went to tell them 'bye' and I was leaving and Molly told me they would be holding me in their prayers, I realized what was going on. And this was it.... When I was married, when I went to birth the girls, when I brought them home from the hospital, the times I had gone for day surgery, or in-office surgery, my now ex-husband never took me or picked me up. I had to arrange my own rides, both going and coming home. It was totally up to me to survive the experience the best way I could.
It did not happen that way this time. My Thursday Sisters group prayed over me, Kat offered to take me to the surgery center and a dear friend offered to take me home. Kat sweetly came back after work and spent the night with me. I did not have to ask. They were just there. Kat came by every day after the surgery for a week. Just to see how I was. People called and checked... In other words, I had gone from being totally in charge of all of it to having people in my life who lovingly offered to help. It was hard to let them care for me. It was so very foreign and HARD.
God has spent a lot of time this year trying to teach me to let my children and others love me and do loving things for me. That I was more than deserving of this love from them. That like Him, they loved me just because.... not because of anything I have done or said, but just because.
Authentic. What I started with. I got to work a little on each part of that definition. This experience has been all about me moving towards being more authentically me.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Stolen Thoughts
These are some thoughts that I have gathered from other people. I am not sure who.... but I wanted to share them as they touched my heart and might yours.
You are worthy of love and belonging, and I, God, loves you.
Let yourself be seen - deeply and vulnerably seen
Love with your whole heart - even when there is no guarantee.
Practice gratitude and joy when there are moments of terror.
I have enough, I do enough, I AM enough.
We are imperfect and hard wired for struggle when it comes
Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live.
And there are more someplace around here...
I have lived most of my life wishing all of this was true for and about me. Thank God (literally) that I can believe most of them about me most of the time!
The belief of me NOT being worthy and NOT being enough has plagued me for as long as I can remember. That I actually don’t believe them is a sin. OK – how is that a sin? It's like slapping His face and saying, "NO! you did not do try hard enough here!!" If I don’t believe that God made me a worthy person or a person who is enough in any way shape or form, I am believing that God has not kept His promises when He made me. God always keeps His promises. Perhaps not as we think He should…….
How does one become worthy of being alive? The 139th Psalm says that God “has searched me and knows me,” that He has “laid His hand upon me” and that I cannot “flee from his spirit.” It goes on to say no matter where I am His “hand will guide me, (His) right hand will hold me fast.” I believed from the time I was a little girl that I was filled with darkness. Not evil, but dark and icky just the same. The Psalm also assures me that “even the darkness will be not dark to you (God); the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.” These are, for me, such assurances. So we don’t BECOME anything, we just ARE God’s blessed and worthy creation. We always have been/are/will be just that!
There is a hymn, “I Want to Walk as a Child of the Light,” partially based on these words. I will never forget the first time I heard and sang that song at an Episcopal Women’s Convention. I cried my way through the words of it. I claimed it as mine. I still do. If there is no “darkness at all, the night and the day are both alike,” then no matter how dark and gunky I was inside, He only saw my God light.
This was the start of an 18 year process of emptying out the dark and gunky stuff and turning and trusting what the Psalm and song promised, that I was light. I have had to take some drastic measures to believe that I am worthy AND enough. I have had to leave behind a job, friends, family, a lifetime, and the love of my heart to finally see that it is only God’s opinion of me that matters. And His opinion is that I am a worthy, extraordinary, precious child of His.
You are worthy of love and belonging, and I, God, loves you.
Let yourself be seen - deeply and vulnerably seen
Love with your whole heart - even when there is no guarantee.
Practice gratitude and joy when there are moments of terror.
I have enough, I do enough, I AM enough.
We are imperfect and hard wired for struggle when it comes
Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live.
And there are more someplace around here...
I have lived most of my life wishing all of this was true for and about me. Thank God (literally) that I can believe most of them about me most of the time!
The belief of me NOT being worthy and NOT being enough has plagued me for as long as I can remember. That I actually don’t believe them is a sin. OK – how is that a sin? It's like slapping His face and saying, "NO! you did not do try hard enough here!!" If I don’t believe that God made me a worthy person or a person who is enough in any way shape or form, I am believing that God has not kept His promises when He made me. God always keeps His promises. Perhaps not as we think He should…….
How does one become worthy of being alive? The 139th Psalm says that God “has searched me and knows me,” that He has “laid His hand upon me” and that I cannot “flee from his spirit.” It goes on to say no matter where I am His “hand will guide me, (His) right hand will hold me fast.” I believed from the time I was a little girl that I was filled with darkness. Not evil, but dark and icky just the same. The Psalm also assures me that “even the darkness will be not dark to you (God); the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.” These are, for me, such assurances. So we don’t BECOME anything, we just ARE God’s blessed and worthy creation. We always have been/are/will be just that!
There is a hymn, “I Want to Walk as a Child of the Light,” partially based on these words. I will never forget the first time I heard and sang that song at an Episcopal Women’s Convention. I cried my way through the words of it. I claimed it as mine. I still do. If there is no “darkness at all, the night and the day are both alike,” then no matter how dark and gunky I was inside, He only saw my God light.
This was the start of an 18 year process of emptying out the dark and gunky stuff and turning and trusting what the Psalm and song promised, that I was light. I have had to take some drastic measures to believe that I am worthy AND enough. I have had to leave behind a job, friends, family, a lifetime, and the love of my heart to finally see that it is only God’s opinion of me that matters. And His opinion is that I am a worthy, extraordinary, precious child of His.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Celebration of a (continuing) Life
* When all is said and done, the gift we give each other is ourselves.
A A life was celebrated this past Saturday and Sunday..... Mine!!! My best-friend-since-3rd-grade, Peggy, flew in from Chicago to surprise me, which she did on Saturday! Katherine, Molly, Jeff, Molly's husband, and of course the light of our lives - Jack- had a 'pool party' after she arrived. The weather was perfect, sunny and warm, although I did have to heat up the pool a bit. We ended up the day by going to eat at a favorite restaurant. :)
Sunday, another beautiful day, found Peggy and me meeting Molly and Jack at the zoo. Peggy and I took over Jack in his stroller and Molly went home to prepare for a church pot-luck. Fun was had by all! Jack loved the 'monks' and 'elfn' and Peggy and I got treated when the lion roared over and over again! He even got on the 'cliff' in his area to do it! Just like the Lion King! Neither of us had ever really seen or heard that before! Jack was less than impressed. He mostly enjoyed climbing on the railings at each exhibit! Jack also preferred walking as opposed to riding in his stroller. He was a good little walker until he tripped. I had his sweaty little hand so he did not crash, but I could tell it was time to pack it in. As we drove home, Kat called to see where we were and said she had finished her yard work and was going swimming and would see us at my house. (Little did I know she was tracking our progress!)
We pulled up into the garage as usual, I got Jack out of his car seat and we go in through the laundry room door....into a big yell of "SURPRISE!!!!!!!" My girls were having a surprise 60th b-day party for me!!!! OMG!!!! I was more than totally clueless! I was so surprised I forgot to put Jack down! I just gaped! My eyes must have been HUGE! Really and truly, I did not even realize I had enough friends to even make up a surprise party! Jack was almost frantic to get to his mama before I had enough sense to let him down and greet my friends! (Remember, we had been at the zoo getting sweaty....)
I am still flabbergasted and I still get tears in my eyes! What a Divine Conspiracy had happened right under my nose! As I visited with my friends, I heard over and over, "I thought I almost gave it away when I ..... Didn't you wonder????" I had seen NONE of it coming! When did I stop paying attention to my life?
I used my 6-hours-each-way trip to Louisiana to think about my continued surprised-ness. I finally realized it was because I do not expect people to think I am special and to do special things for me. Especially things that take a lot of time and any effort. Especially here where I have been for only 3 years. The girls got names of my friends from other friends, sent absolutely darling invites out, cooked a huge, delishious, wonderful dinner for about 35 people who showered me with gifts and love. How could my 60th birthday not be my best ever?
I need to take some time and rethink how I look at myself. But most of all how I am loved by my precious children and friends, and also by a God who thinks I am precious and delights in surprising me and showers me with blessings beyond all that I could even ever ask for or imagine!
I need to take some time and rethink how I look at myself. But most of all how I am loved by my precious children and friends, and also by a God who thinks I am precious and delights in surprising me and showers me with blessings beyond all that I could even ever ask for or imagine!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)