Learning to Play

     Last Monday, Nov. 14, I took Molly to her OGBYN dr. appointment.  We were both nervous, I think.  She had had very high blood pressure the week before and was put on semi-bed rest.  A really hard thing to do with a 2 year old.  Jeff's mom and I took turns either being at the house to help with Jack or we took him home with us.  I have to admit, it was sort of a long week....  However, it all worked out fine.       In fact stupendously better than fine.  On Friday, I took Jack to a place called 'Pump-It-Up,' a place that is filled with those bounce houses you can rent.  They had some really big bounce-able activities there.  It was a little overwhelming for me at first.  Jack, however, was totally in his 2-year-old-lets-run-and-be-crazy mode and was delighted!  He naturally gravitated to the really big pieces and all I could think was "he will get stuck and scared and will have to rescue him!!!!! and I don't know if I can do that and then what will I do.... I am old, I am still in my post-foot operation shoe, and oh my gosh I have to take it off and follow him around...please God, don't let anything bad happen to my foot...and, oh yes, or Jack too"
     God was surely listening and Jack finally settled on a more manageable house.  So do I let him go in by himself or do I have to go toooo???? He crawled in and came to the front screen and in his funny little way said to me, " c'mon Mimi"(supposed to be Grammy, but who cares), and uses his little signal of curling his fingers into his hand, and I was caught in a dilemma; what will happen if I don't go and what will happen if I do....?
     So, as I always do, I did what Jack told me to do and crawled into a short tunnel (did I mention that I am claustrophobic?) that was pretty much kid size, and I was in.  There was a dad in there with his daughter and he was bouncing to bounce her and, of course, Jack and me too. I hurriedly looked around and settled (sat) close to a sort of corner.  Jack started careening into me, squealing with delight when I threw him against the wall and he toppled back into me and the fun (and it was really fun) began.  We were rolling all over the place and pushing each other (I never stood up! I am not the most coordinated person in the world and in a bounce house...  Horrors!) but we were both were breathless with laughter.
     After that we did tackle a huge, gigantic slide where you had to go up this latter thing... Jack would slip down it while I was (carefully) going up it so I basically pushed his little bottom up as I went.  We were collapsing with laughter.  Who thought a sort-of ladder would be so much fun???  We finally got to the top and it was a long way down.  Altho I don't like heights, Jack is all for them, so we sat down, held hands and went down down down....  Luckily, there was a big cushion thing at the bottom that we plowed into to stop.
     There was no stopping, as such, us after that. I finally looked at the clock and I could not believe we had been there 1 1/2 hours!  Jack did not want to leave, but I began to wonder exactly how my body would feel the next day....  To tell the truth, I was a little relieved to put my safe, but ugly, after- foot-surgery shoe. It was late so I decided to stop at our favorite Sonic to get a grilled cheese.  Jack fell asleep on the way there and I had to wake him up to eat and then to put him down for a nap.
     I did not play much as a child.  My house was a scary place to be and once I began escaping to read, I played even less.  So basically, I never learned to play and have fun.  That is sad.  Jack has filled my life with opportunities to learn to play, Jack style.  God has been oh, so wonderful, in giving me such a delightful playmate.  And now there is Owen.  I wonder what it will be like to have 2  little boy playmates?  What fun!

Being Graced

I know this kind of poem has a name, but I have no idea what it is.  I created this when I was actively working through the Artists' Way by Julia Cameron.  I love the idea, the thought of grace and how God so mercifully blesses us by raining down often undeserved kindness and favor on us.

Graced by much.

Graced by much surprise.

Graced by much. Surprise over

 and over again.

Graced by much.  Surprise over

and over.  Again I feel precious.

Graced by much. Surprise over and over.

Again I feel.  Precious feelings swelling.

Graced by much. Surprise  over and over.

Again I feel. Precious feelings.  Swelling over

my heart.

Graced by much. Surprise  over and over.

Again I feel. Precious feelings.  Swelling over

my heart and running down.

Graced by much. Surprise over and over.

Again I feel. Precious feelings.  Swelling over

my heart and running down all the way to my toes.

Graced by much. Surprise over and over.

Again I feel. Precious feelings.  Swelling over

my heart and running down all the way to my

toes that make me jump for joy. 

Stolen Thoughts

     These are some thoughts that I have gathered from other people.  I am not sure who.... but I wanted to share them as they touched my heart and might yours.
          You are worthy of love and belonging, and I, God, loves you.
          Let yourself be seen - deeply and vulnerably seen
          Love with your whole heart - even when there is no guarantee.
          Practice gratitude and joy when there are moments of terror.
          I have enough, I do enough, I AM enough.
          We are imperfect and hard wired for struggle when it comes
          Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live.
And there are more someplace around here...
     I have lived most of my life wishing all of this was true for and about me. Thank God (literally) that I can believe most of them about me most of the time!
     The belief of me NOT being worthy and NOT being enough has plagued me for as long as I can remember. That I actually don’t believe them is a sin. OK – how is that a sin?  It's like slapping His face and saying, "NO! you did not do try hard enough here!!" If I don’t believe that God made me a worthy person or a person who is enough in any way shape or form, I am believing that God has not kept His promises when He made me. God always keeps His promises.   Perhaps not as we think He should…….
     How does one become worthy of being alive? The 139th Psalm says that God “has searched me and knows me,” that He has “laid His hand upon me” and that I cannot “flee from his spirit.” It goes on to say no matter where I am His “hand will guide me, (His) right hand will hold me fast.” I believed from the time I was a little girl that I was filled with darkness. Not evil, but dark and icky just the same. The Psalm also assures me that “even the darkness will be not dark to you (God); the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.” These are, for me, such assurances. So we don’t BECOME anything, we just ARE God’s blessed and worthy creation. We always have been/are/will be just that!
     There is a hymn, “I Want to Walk as a Child of the Light,” partially based on these words. I will never forget the first time I heard and sang that song at an Episcopal Women’s Convention. I cried my way through the words of it. I claimed it as mine. I still do. If there is no “darkness at all, the night and the day are both alike,” then no matter how dark and gunky I was inside, He only saw my God light.
      This was the start of an 18 year process of emptying out the dark and gunky stuff and turning and trusting what the Psalm and song promised, that I was light. I have had to take some drastic measures to believe that I am worthy AND enough. I have had to leave behind a job, friends, family, a lifetime, and the love of my heart to finally see that it is only God’s opinion of me that matters. And His opinion is that I am a worthy, extraordinary, precious child of His.

Celebration of a (continuing) Life

*     When all is said and done, the gift we give each other is ourselves.

    

A           A life was celebrated this past Saturday and Sunday..... Mine!!!  My best-friend-since-3rd-grade, Peggy, flew in from Chicago to surprise me, which she did on Saturday! Katherine, Molly, Jeff, Molly's husband, and of course the light of our lives - Jack-  had a 'pool party' after she arrived. The weather was perfect, sunny and warm, although I did have to heat up the pool a bit. We ended up the day by going to eat at a favorite restaurant. :)

             Sunday, another beautiful day, found Peggy and me meeting Molly and Jack at the zoo. Peggy and I took over Jack in his stroller and Molly went home to prepare for a church pot-luck.  Fun was had by all! Jack loved the 'monks' and 'elfn' and Peggy and I got treated when the lion roared over and over again!  He even got on the 'cliff' in his area to do it!  Just like the Lion King! Neither of us had ever really seen or heard that before!  Jack was less than impressed. He mostly enjoyed climbing on the railings at each exhibit!  Jack also preferred walking as opposed to riding in his stroller. He was a good little walker until he tripped. I had his sweaty little hand so he did not crash, but I could tell it was time to pack it in.  As we drove home, Kat called to see where we were and said she had finished her yard work and was going swimming and would see us at my house.  (Little did I know she was tracking our progress!)

              We pulled up into the garage as usual, I got Jack out of his car seat and we go in through the laundry room door....into a big yell of "SURPRISE!!!!!!!" My girls were having a surprise 60th b-day party for me!!!!  OMG!!!!  I was more than totally clueless! I was so surprised I forgot to put Jack down! I just gaped!  My eyes must have been HUGE! Really and truly, I did not even realize I had enough friends to even make up a surprise party!  Jack was almost frantic to get to his mama before I had enough sense to let him down and greet my friends! (Remember, we had been at the zoo getting sweaty....)

              I am still flabbergasted and I still get tears in my eyes!  What a Divine Conspiracy had happened right under my nose!  As I visited with my friends, I heard over and over, "I thought I almost gave it away when I .....  Didn't you wonder????"  I had seen NONE of it coming!  When did I stop paying attention to my life?

              I used my 6-hours-each-way trip to Louisiana to think about my continued surprised-ness.  I finally realized it was because I do not expect people to think I am special and to do special things for me.  Especially things that take a lot of time and any effort. Especially here where I have been for only 3 years. The girls got names of my friends from other friends, sent absolutely darling invites out, cooked a huge, delishious, wonderful dinner for about 35 people who showered me with gifts and love.  How could my 60th birthday not be my best ever?
              I need to take some time and rethink how I look at myself.  But most of all how I am loved by my precious children and friends, and also by a God who thinks I am precious and delights in surprising me and showers me with blessings beyond all that I could even ever ask for or imagine!

Holy Darkness

From You I hide me
How much will it hurt this time
To make me more me?

In the deep darkness
My name is called by Abba.
I’m again chosen.

The consuming night
In which souls seem to get stuck
He comes with new life.

In the Holy Darkness
Seeds crack their shells and emerge
Waiting is very hard.

Hidden by the night
Plowed under by unbelief
I yearn for the light.

My soul waits for you
You grab my hand and we run
Into Your freedom.

     I just got back from the third session, of a six session, 2 year-long retreat. During the past few months and days, we read and talked about “The Dark Night of the Soul.” The “Dark Night” is a time in life when God seems very silent and far away, when usual spiritual practices hold no comfort, and there is an exceedingly dry feeling in the spiritual part of us. A great sense of loss comes, as there seems to be something missing inside. However, the rest of life seems to go on pretty much the same. In that way, a “Dark Night of the Soul” is different from depression. During depression, life does not go on; it is slowly dragged out of us only by the greatest of efforts. All of life seems too much trouble, not just dryness or loss in our spiritual life.
     It can be terrifying when we realize that no personal power, action or thought can satisfy our longings for God. Every spiritual discipline (practice) is tried in order to bring the comfort level of intimacy with God back to where it last was. This time is, however, a necessary part of the deepening of a spiritual life. It is there, in the dessert, beyond our sight, that God does his greatest work. Often, God’s work or movement in our lives does not make sense or even realized until after the Dark Night is over. Only at the dawn can we look back at that time in our lives when we can finally say, “Oh that is what was going on."  The “Dark Night” can go on for a short or long time, months or years. I have often wondered if God couldn’t choose an easier way to move us closer to Him…..
     During this retreat time, we are “being trained” to become spiritual directors (aka spiritual friend, spiritual mentor.) In this discipline, we help others find and walk their spiritual path, see God in their lives, and find their growing edges. In other words, draw closer to God in a myriad of ways. Discerning that I was to be a helper in this way was a long time coming. I have been in spiritual direction for about 8 years. Having someone help me see God move in my life has been extremely helpful. I knew what a blessing it had/has been for me. But could I do the same, a good enough job, or would I mess it up royally? Should I be not just encouraged, but allowed, to work with other seekers? EEK!  What I need to remember is that God is really the spiritual director here, I am just a conduit for Him.
     I began this retreat last October not knowing if God had “called” me to be a spiritual director or if it was just my own wanting-to-be-one. I think I have my answer, at least in part. We have had to “find” someone we could “practice” on. This was a little daunting for me as most of the attendees are ministers, thus having a ready supply of people with spiritual lives. And, even though it is overseen by people with training and long experience in this area, who would want me to “mess around” in their spiritual life? So I prayed a lot about this dilemma. God surprised me with someone in a very timely manner. My directee and I are off to a good start, or so I am assured. I get to grow in this process too. :)
     Part of this training is that we continue to see our own spiritual director. I had someone in Palestine, but have a new one here in Fort Worth. She can often see what is going on in my spiritual life better than I can. When I see her, her first question is usually is something along the line as, “how is it between you and God?” or “how is your soul today?” There is not always a clear cut answer…….

Stumbling and Falling and Slowing Down

I spent the first 5 months of 2007 in a whirl of stumbling, falling, hurting and being healed. In those 5 months, I visited the ER on 4 different occasions. Three times for stitches and once for a broken ankle - which required an operation and 25 stitches. My children will strongly attest to the fact that I am often clumsy. I was in the place of overwhelmed. My mind was on how to survive in the long run, forget the present moment.  So I tripped and slipped and my life as I knew it abruptly stopped. The stopping season came after my broken ankle, when I literally could not get around without, much to my embarrassment, a walker. (I would have killed myself on crutches.) Slowing down was no longer an option. I know that this has happened to me before - alot! I don't think God causes these times, but He is a master at using our circumstances to lead us through our life lessons. And I had and most likely have many lessons to learn about speeding through life. 

Slowing down..... Not something our society encourages or accepts. Getting stuff done is of the ultimate concern and we are led to believe the more we do, the better we "are." I have tried that. And talk about stumbling and falling. I was a walking example, so to speak, of the slogan "Help!  I've fallen and I can't get up!" I just lived into it. Was it ever stressful and exhausting! As I've whizzed around Fort Worth the last three years trying not to be late, I have over and over put myself into the speeding mode. I made myself crazy trying to be on time. I usually was, but it was at the peril of other cars as I speeded to my destination. 

So for Lent this year, I gave up rushing and playing solitaire. I did pretty good. Last time I gave up rushing for Lent, it overflowed into the rest of the year. And since Lent began, I have become more peaceful and calm inside. Maybe I am just at that part of life where life in the 'fast lane' is truly a negative action. In the presence of Jack, my grandson, I see and feel how I rushed through my own children's lives to get to the next whatever. And how I regret that. But maybe it was just a mom-of-small-children thing.  Whatever... but I intend not to wish away Jack's childhood, but enjoy every minute I have with him. 

Plus, with slowing down, I do not stumble or fall nearly as much, and I have realized that it is OK to ask for help when I do fall. Because God sends someone to give me a hand up.  That my allowing others to help me is a gift to them. I know God has been and will always there to catch me, because even in a slower mode of life, things will trip me up. 

Solitare will be addressed at length later.

The Great Dance

God is always with me because He resides within me
As I stand united with him, I am most wholly myself
More than at any other time.
He/I move me to the right paths,
If slowly and stumbly sometimes.
We do not always see eye-to-eye on what path to take (my retrospect vision is always so much clearer)
And, if necessary, He takes me and turns me in the right direction
Beginning again on the journey
To the person He has rightly created me to be.
Amazingly, we do this dance over and over.

I step on His toes, we bump into others, careen off walls, (when I am trying to lead)

But the dance goes on.

Hurt toes heal, others forgive, missteps become fluid movement;

Twirls fling me out, then draw me back in.

And when it seems to me that we finally are dancing the same dance

The music changes and I stumble and stop – embarrassed – for a while.

He waits patiently when I need to be a wallflower

Until I am ready for the next dance lesson.

He has already filled in every line on my

Dance card with His gracious name.

And for this I am so grateful

As only He knows the right steps to the next

Dance of life we will share.