Cleaning Out

     Christmas Day afternoon, I went to put up the sparkly purse I had carried to the Christmas Eve service Kat and I attended which was absolutely beautiful and gave me some calm and peace of heart.  So I opened my ‘extra’ closet door to put it up, congratulating myself for not leaving it out until this summer, and stared in horror in the closet!  Had all this stuff been in here when I got the purse outlast night?????  Did I not notice it? To put the purse away, I had to climb over the same stuff I had climbed over to get it…..  It didn’t bother me last night; I’d hardly noticed it so …. Why now?  I was appalled at what I saw in there.

     I admit that I am a clutter-y person and at times it gets to be too much, but REALLY?  My hands began gathering up all the clothes on the rod nearest the door and depositing them on my bed.  Where did all this stuff come from?  Hmmmm, I bought this or that when….for….. and how many years ago was that??? 10?, 15?, 20?, 25?, 30?, 35? years ago (I really did have one thing from 35 years ago!!!!) There are 6 long hang-up bars in my two closets chock full of clothes, clothes, clothes.  They were all stuffed full.  This does not count the stuff on the floor, the shoe boxes on the shelves, the baskets full of out of season shoes, etc.  I have another closet that I use, so to speak, to get dressed from every day.  This was my EXTRA stuff closet.

     I remember vaguely promising myself that I would not put any summer clothes in the extra closet until I had cleaned it out.  I am big on promises to myself and lax on keeping them.  This was before Christmas when school was still in session, and after school was FINALLY out, all I could do was rest and recuperate (besides wrapping, and other necessary activities that did not include putting even one bow on one present.) 

     I put the clothes on the bed and went to watch TV and wish that I was not out of ice cream.  When I did go into my room to get ready for bed, there were those dresses just waiting for me.  Bummer.  I really, really thought about sleeping in my extra bedroom, but it is made up for Jack with a railing that is hard to scoot out of the way. Ergo, the sorting began.  Into a bin for the FTW Junior League, into the black bag to go to whatever organization was coming the soonest to pick up in my neighborhood.  Memories flooded back, but not in a sad way.  I have to say that that first rod I did had just dressy clothes on it.  Some of it was a no brainer to get rid of, it was sizes too big J or too small L.  I kept all the nice dresses still in my size because I think ‘nice’ dresses are hard to find. So now there were piles on the floor, but I had a walkway to get to the bed and into the bathroom.

     Each day since, I have, at some time during the day, taken the next rod of stuff and put it on my bed.  And there it is waiting to be done before Nattie, Rosie and Gracie and I could get in my comfy bed.  As of today, I have one rod left in the closet I use all the time.  However, I did seven drawers today and took all of my shoes out of both closets and they are piled on the floor waiting to be paired and sorted, tossed or not.  Even then I will not be finished as there are a few boxes under the extra bed and I have no idea what is in them.

    I did all this sorting for four days before I ran into a friend and told her what I was doing (quite pride-fully I must admit). Then I heard myself say, “I am finally getting rid of my old life.”  And it hit me – yes, that is exactly what I was doing.  I had dragged all these hundreds of pieces of clothing  around for the last almost 6 years and through 4 moves!  My life is so different then it was “in the day” (I really hate that saying…).  I am at a different place (literally and figuratively) with different goals and most of all with a new life that fills me with joy.  Part of me thinks I should have done this long ago, but the little voice in my head tells me that I am finally doing it because only now am I ready to live my life in the present moment.

     What a journey I have been on since I started to drag all those clothes around with me, intentionally moving closer to God and the beloved child he has meant me to become.  My biggest challenge for the next few months will be to NOT go out and refill all those empty hangers!  (I am going to count them when I get really through.)  But I am needing less and less ‘stuff’ to fill my life and am slowly embracing the “less is more” outlook on life.  My life is filled with my sweet family, Kat, Molly, Jeff, Jack and Owen, my new friends in general and especially my Belize Mission team (we’re going again in June! J) cohorts and my Thursday Sisters group at church.  

     I am beyond blessed.  I can think of nothing I desire that God has not already given me.

OWEN IS HERE!!!

More about that soon!

Learning to Play

     Last Monday, Nov. 14, I took Molly to her OGBYN dr. appointment.  We were both nervous, I think.  She had had very high blood pressure the week before and was put on semi-bed rest.  A really hard thing to do with a 2 year old.  Jeff's mom and I took turns either being at the house to help with Jack or we took him home with us.  I have to admit, it was sort of a long week....  However, it all worked out fine.       In fact stupendously better than fine.  On Friday, I took Jack to a place called 'Pump-It-Up,' a place that is filled with those bounce houses you can rent.  They had some really big bounce-able activities there.  It was a little overwhelming for me at first.  Jack, however, was totally in his 2-year-old-lets-run-and-be-crazy mode and was delighted!  He naturally gravitated to the really big pieces and all I could think was "he will get stuck and scared and will have to rescue him!!!!! and I don't know if I can do that and then what will I do.... I am old, I am still in my post-foot operation shoe, and oh my gosh I have to take it off and follow him around...please God, don't let anything bad happen to my foot...and, oh yes, or Jack too"
     God was surely listening and Jack finally settled on a more manageable house.  So do I let him go in by himself or do I have to go toooo???? He crawled in and came to the front screen and in his funny little way said to me, " c'mon Mimi"(supposed to be Grammy, but who cares), and uses his little signal of curling his fingers into his hand, and I was caught in a dilemma; what will happen if I don't go and what will happen if I do....?
     So, as I always do, I did what Jack told me to do and crawled into a short tunnel (did I mention that I am claustrophobic?) that was pretty much kid size, and I was in.  There was a dad in there with his daughter and he was bouncing to bounce her and, of course, Jack and me too. I hurriedly looked around and settled (sat) close to a sort of corner.  Jack started careening into me, squealing with delight when I threw him against the wall and he toppled back into me and the fun (and it was really fun) began.  We were rolling all over the place and pushing each other (I never stood up! I am not the most coordinated person in the world and in a bounce house...  Horrors!) but we were both were breathless with laughter.
     After that we did tackle a huge, gigantic slide where you had to go up this latter thing... Jack would slip down it while I was (carefully) going up it so I basically pushed his little bottom up as I went.  We were collapsing with laughter.  Who thought a sort-of ladder would be so much fun???  We finally got to the top and it was a long way down.  Altho I don't like heights, Jack is all for them, so we sat down, held hands and went down down down....  Luckily, there was a big cushion thing at the bottom that we plowed into to stop.
     There was no stopping, as such, us after that. I finally looked at the clock and I could not believe we had been there 1 1/2 hours!  Jack did not want to leave, but I began to wonder exactly how my body would feel the next day....  To tell the truth, I was a little relieved to put my safe, but ugly, after- foot-surgery shoe. It was late so I decided to stop at our favorite Sonic to get a grilled cheese.  Jack fell asleep on the way there and I had to wake him up to eat and then to put him down for a nap.
     I did not play much as a child.  My house was a scary place to be and once I began escaping to read, I played even less.  So basically, I never learned to play and have fun.  That is sad.  Jack has filled my life with opportunities to learn to play, Jack style.  God has been oh, so wonderful, in giving me such a delightful playmate.  And now there is Owen.  I wonder what it will be like to have 2  little boy playmates?  What fun!

Being Graced

I know this kind of poem has a name, but I have no idea what it is.  I created this when I was actively working through the Artists' Way by Julia Cameron.  I love the idea, the thought of grace and how God so mercifully blesses us by raining down often undeserved kindness and favor on us.

Graced by much.

Graced by much surprise.

Graced by much. Surprise over

 and over again.

Graced by much.  Surprise over

and over.  Again I feel precious.

Graced by much. Surprise over and over.

Again I feel.  Precious feelings swelling.

Graced by much. Surprise  over and over.

Again I feel. Precious feelings.  Swelling over

my heart.

Graced by much. Surprise  over and over.

Again I feel. Precious feelings.  Swelling over

my heart and running down.

Graced by much. Surprise over and over.

Again I feel. Precious feelings.  Swelling over

my heart and running down all the way to my toes.

Graced by much. Surprise over and over.

Again I feel. Precious feelings.  Swelling over

my heart and running down all the way to my

toes that make me jump for joy. 

Pics!

I promised a picture of Jack.  He is undoubtedly the cutest (naughty) 2 year old EVER! 

He is totally into guitars and music.  This one was from his Grammy!  (me)

His parents are ok too!

And here is Jack's Aunt Kat!

What else can I say about them??????

On Becoming Authentic

     Authentic.  Sounds like a powerful word, one I am trying to live into.  I found a good, working definition of authentic today in one of the devotional books that I read, Reflections for Ragamuffins by Brennan Manning:  To open yourself to another person, to stop lying about your loneliness, to stop lying about your fears and hurts, to be open about your affection, and to tell others how much they mean to you.
      I have had a very hard new experience lately.  I had foot surgery about 1 1/2 weeks ago.  I was SO fearful about having it.  So scared that I updated my folder with "End of Life Instructions!" and told Kat where it was just in case.... That is really over the top!  I scared myself.  I nearly had a panic attack at my pre-op (and pre-pay a bunch) appointment and then almost again when I went to pre-check in (and pre-pay a bunch again) at the surgery center.  What was gong on?  I even told Molly and Kat, and I usually try to spare them that kind of stuff.  Mothers aren't suppose to be scared and telling their children about it are they?  Mothers are suppose to be ... the mothers.
     I prayed alot about this a lot, asking God for answers, to show me why I was flipping out over this pretty routine surgery.  I had gone to the grocery store, pet store, etc. It was all set up, all my ducks in a row, so to speak.  I had it taken care of.
      Molly, Jeff and Jack were gong on a trip to visit a cousin and Jeff's brother and would be gone when the surgery took place so I went to tell them 'bye' and I was leaving and Molly told me they would be holding me in their prayers, I realized what was going on. And this was it....  When I was married, when I went to birth the girls, when I brought them home from the hospital, the times I had gone for day surgery, or in-office surgery, my now ex-husband never took me or picked me up. I had to arrange my own rides, both going and coming home. It was totally up to me to survive the experience the best way I could.
     It did not happen that way this time. My Thursday Sisters group prayed over me, Kat offered to take me to the surgery center and a dear friend offered to take me home. Kat sweetly came back after work and spent the night with me.  I did not have to ask. They were just there. Kat came by every day after the surgery for a week.  Just to see how I was. People called and checked... In other words, I had gone from being totally in charge of all of it to having people in my life who lovingly offered to help. It was hard to let them care for me. It was so very foreign and HARD. 
     God has spent a lot of time this year trying to teach me to let my children and others love me and do loving things for me.  That I was more than deserving of this love from them. That like Him, they loved me just because.... not because of anything I have done or said, but just because.
     Authentic.  What I started with. I got to work a little on each part of that definition. This experience has been all about me moving towards being more authentically me. 
 

Stolen Thoughts

     These are some thoughts that I have gathered from other people.  I am not sure who.... but I wanted to share them as they touched my heart and might yours.
          You are worthy of love and belonging, and I, God, loves you.
          Let yourself be seen - deeply and vulnerably seen
          Love with your whole heart - even when there is no guarantee.
          Practice gratitude and joy when there are moments of terror.
          I have enough, I do enough, I AM enough.
          We are imperfect and hard wired for struggle when it comes
          Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live.
And there are more someplace around here...
     I have lived most of my life wishing all of this was true for and about me. Thank God (literally) that I can believe most of them about me most of the time!
     The belief of me NOT being worthy and NOT being enough has plagued me for as long as I can remember. That I actually don’t believe them is a sin. OK – how is that a sin?  It's like slapping His face and saying, "NO! you did not do try hard enough here!!" If I don’t believe that God made me a worthy person or a person who is enough in any way shape or form, I am believing that God has not kept His promises when He made me. God always keeps His promises.   Perhaps not as we think He should…….
     How does one become worthy of being alive? The 139th Psalm says that God “has searched me and knows me,” that He has “laid His hand upon me” and that I cannot “flee from his spirit.” It goes on to say no matter where I am His “hand will guide me, (His) right hand will hold me fast.” I believed from the time I was a little girl that I was filled with darkness. Not evil, but dark and icky just the same. The Psalm also assures me that “even the darkness will be not dark to you (God); the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.” These are, for me, such assurances. So we don’t BECOME anything, we just ARE God’s blessed and worthy creation. We always have been/are/will be just that!
     There is a hymn, “I Want to Walk as a Child of the Light,” partially based on these words. I will never forget the first time I heard and sang that song at an Episcopal Women’s Convention. I cried my way through the words of it. I claimed it as mine. I still do. If there is no “darkness at all, the night and the day are both alike,” then no matter how dark and gunky I was inside, He only saw my God light.
      This was the start of an 18 year process of emptying out the dark and gunky stuff and turning and trusting what the Psalm and song promised, that I was light. I have had to take some drastic measures to believe that I am worthy AND enough. I have had to leave behind a job, friends, family, a lifetime, and the love of my heart to finally see that it is only God’s opinion of me that matters. And His opinion is that I am a worthy, extraordinary, precious child of His.