Cleaning Out

     Christmas Day afternoon, I went to put up the sparkly purse I had carried to the Christmas Eve service Kat and I attended which was absolutely beautiful and gave me some calm and peace of heart.  So I opened my ‘extra’ closet door to put it up, congratulating myself for not leaving it out until this summer, and stared in horror in the closet!  Had all this stuff been in here when I got the purse outlast night?????  Did I not notice it? To put the purse away, I had to climb over the same stuff I had climbed over to get it…..  It didn’t bother me last night; I’d hardly noticed it so …. Why now?  I was appalled at what I saw in there.

     I admit that I am a clutter-y person and at times it gets to be too much, but REALLY?  My hands began gathering up all the clothes on the rod nearest the door and depositing them on my bed.  Where did all this stuff come from?  Hmmmm, I bought this or that when….for….. and how many years ago was that??? 10?, 15?, 20?, 25?, 30?, 35? years ago (I really did have one thing from 35 years ago!!!!) There are 6 long hang-up bars in my two closets chock full of clothes, clothes, clothes.  They were all stuffed full.  This does not count the stuff on the floor, the shoe boxes on the shelves, the baskets full of out of season shoes, etc.  I have another closet that I use, so to speak, to get dressed from every day.  This was my EXTRA stuff closet.

     I remember vaguely promising myself that I would not put any summer clothes in the extra closet until I had cleaned it out.  I am big on promises to myself and lax on keeping them.  This was before Christmas when school was still in session, and after school was FINALLY out, all I could do was rest and recuperate (besides wrapping, and other necessary activities that did not include putting even one bow on one present.) 

     I put the clothes on the bed and went to watch TV and wish that I was not out of ice cream.  When I did go into my room to get ready for bed, there were those dresses just waiting for me.  Bummer.  I really, really thought about sleeping in my extra bedroom, but it is made up for Jack with a railing that is hard to scoot out of the way. Ergo, the sorting began.  Into a bin for the FTW Junior League, into the black bag to go to whatever organization was coming the soonest to pick up in my neighborhood.  Memories flooded back, but not in a sad way.  I have to say that that first rod I did had just dressy clothes on it.  Some of it was a no brainer to get rid of, it was sizes too big J or too small L.  I kept all the nice dresses still in my size because I think ‘nice’ dresses are hard to find. So now there were piles on the floor, but I had a walkway to get to the bed and into the bathroom.

     Each day since, I have, at some time during the day, taken the next rod of stuff and put it on my bed.  And there it is waiting to be done before Nattie, Rosie and Gracie and I could get in my comfy bed.  As of today, I have one rod left in the closet I use all the time.  However, I did seven drawers today and took all of my shoes out of both closets and they are piled on the floor waiting to be paired and sorted, tossed or not.  Even then I will not be finished as there are a few boxes under the extra bed and I have no idea what is in them.

    I did all this sorting for four days before I ran into a friend and told her what I was doing (quite pride-fully I must admit). Then I heard myself say, “I am finally getting rid of my old life.”  And it hit me – yes, that is exactly what I was doing.  I had dragged all these hundreds of pieces of clothing  around for the last almost 6 years and through 4 moves!  My life is so different then it was “in the day” (I really hate that saying…).  I am at a different place (literally and figuratively) with different goals and most of all with a new life that fills me with joy.  Part of me thinks I should have done this long ago, but the little voice in my head tells me that I am finally doing it because only now am I ready to live my life in the present moment.

     What a journey I have been on since I started to drag all those clothes around with me, intentionally moving closer to God and the beloved child he has meant me to become.  My biggest challenge for the next few months will be to NOT go out and refill all those empty hangers!  (I am going to count them when I get really through.)  But I am needing less and less ‘stuff’ to fill my life and am slowly embracing the “less is more” outlook on life.  My life is filled with my sweet family, Kat, Molly, Jeff, Jack and Owen, my new friends in general and especially my Belize Mission team (we’re going again in June! J) cohorts and my Thursday Sisters group at church.  

     I am beyond blessed.  I can think of nothing I desire that God has not already given me.

OWEN IS HERE!!!

More about that soon!

Learning to Play

     Last Monday, Nov. 14, I took Molly to her OGBYN dr. appointment.  We were both nervous, I think.  She had had very high blood pressure the week before and was put on semi-bed rest.  A really hard thing to do with a 2 year old.  Jeff's mom and I took turns either being at the house to help with Jack or we took him home with us.  I have to admit, it was sort of a long week....  However, it all worked out fine.       In fact stupendously better than fine.  On Friday, I took Jack to a place called 'Pump-It-Up,' a place that is filled with those bounce houses you can rent.  They had some really big bounce-able activities there.  It was a little overwhelming for me at first.  Jack, however, was totally in his 2-year-old-lets-run-and-be-crazy mode and was delighted!  He naturally gravitated to the really big pieces and all I could think was "he will get stuck and scared and will have to rescue him!!!!! and I don't know if I can do that and then what will I do.... I am old, I am still in my post-foot operation shoe, and oh my gosh I have to take it off and follow him around...please God, don't let anything bad happen to my foot...and, oh yes, or Jack too"
     God was surely listening and Jack finally settled on a more manageable house.  So do I let him go in by himself or do I have to go toooo???? He crawled in and came to the front screen and in his funny little way said to me, " c'mon Mimi"(supposed to be Grammy, but who cares), and uses his little signal of curling his fingers into his hand, and I was caught in a dilemma; what will happen if I don't go and what will happen if I do....?
     So, as I always do, I did what Jack told me to do and crawled into a short tunnel (did I mention that I am claustrophobic?) that was pretty much kid size, and I was in.  There was a dad in there with his daughter and he was bouncing to bounce her and, of course, Jack and me too. I hurriedly looked around and settled (sat) close to a sort of corner.  Jack started careening into me, squealing with delight when I threw him against the wall and he toppled back into me and the fun (and it was really fun) began.  We were rolling all over the place and pushing each other (I never stood up! I am not the most coordinated person in the world and in a bounce house...  Horrors!) but we were both were breathless with laughter.
     After that we did tackle a huge, gigantic slide where you had to go up this latter thing... Jack would slip down it while I was (carefully) going up it so I basically pushed his little bottom up as I went.  We were collapsing with laughter.  Who thought a sort-of ladder would be so much fun???  We finally got to the top and it was a long way down.  Altho I don't like heights, Jack is all for them, so we sat down, held hands and went down down down....  Luckily, there was a big cushion thing at the bottom that we plowed into to stop.
     There was no stopping, as such, us after that. I finally looked at the clock and I could not believe we had been there 1 1/2 hours!  Jack did not want to leave, but I began to wonder exactly how my body would feel the next day....  To tell the truth, I was a little relieved to put my safe, but ugly, after- foot-surgery shoe. It was late so I decided to stop at our favorite Sonic to get a grilled cheese.  Jack fell asleep on the way there and I had to wake him up to eat and then to put him down for a nap.
     I did not play much as a child.  My house was a scary place to be and once I began escaping to read, I played even less.  So basically, I never learned to play and have fun.  That is sad.  Jack has filled my life with opportunities to learn to play, Jack style.  God has been oh, so wonderful, in giving me such a delightful playmate.  And now there is Owen.  I wonder what it will be like to have 2  little boy playmates?  What fun!

Being Graced

I know this kind of poem has a name, but I have no idea what it is.  I created this when I was actively working through the Artists' Way by Julia Cameron.  I love the idea, the thought of grace and how God so mercifully blesses us by raining down often undeserved kindness and favor on us.

Graced by much.

Graced by much surprise.

Graced by much. Surprise over

 and over again.

Graced by much.  Surprise over

and over.  Again I feel precious.

Graced by much. Surprise over and over.

Again I feel.  Precious feelings swelling.

Graced by much. Surprise  over and over.

Again I feel. Precious feelings.  Swelling over

my heart.

Graced by much. Surprise  over and over.

Again I feel. Precious feelings.  Swelling over

my heart and running down.

Graced by much. Surprise over and over.

Again I feel. Precious feelings.  Swelling over

my heart and running down all the way to my toes.

Graced by much. Surprise over and over.

Again I feel. Precious feelings.  Swelling over

my heart and running down all the way to my

toes that make me jump for joy. 

Pics!

I promised a picture of Jack.  He is undoubtedly the cutest (naughty) 2 year old EVER! 

He is totally into guitars and music.  This one was from his Grammy!  (me)

His parents are ok too!

And here is Jack's Aunt Kat!

What else can I say about them??????

On Becoming Authentic

     Authentic.  Sounds like a powerful word, one I am trying to live into.  I found a good, working definition of authentic today in one of the devotional books that I read, Reflections for Ragamuffins by Brennan Manning:  To open yourself to another person, to stop lying about your loneliness, to stop lying about your fears and hurts, to be open about your affection, and to tell others how much they mean to you.
      I have had a very hard new experience lately.  I had foot surgery about 1 1/2 weeks ago.  I was SO fearful about having it.  So scared that I updated my folder with "End of Life Instructions!" and told Kat where it was just in case.... That is really over the top!  I scared myself.  I nearly had a panic attack at my pre-op (and pre-pay a bunch) appointment and then almost again when I went to pre-check in (and pre-pay a bunch again) at the surgery center.  What was gong on?  I even told Molly and Kat, and I usually try to spare them that kind of stuff.  Mothers aren't suppose to be scared and telling their children about it are they?  Mothers are suppose to be ... the mothers.
     I prayed alot about this a lot, asking God for answers, to show me why I was flipping out over this pretty routine surgery.  I had gone to the grocery store, pet store, etc. It was all set up, all my ducks in a row, so to speak.  I had it taken care of.
      Molly, Jeff and Jack were gong on a trip to visit a cousin and Jeff's brother and would be gone when the surgery took place so I went to tell them 'bye' and I was leaving and Molly told me they would be holding me in their prayers, I realized what was going on. And this was it....  When I was married, when I went to birth the girls, when I brought them home from the hospital, the times I had gone for day surgery, or in-office surgery, my now ex-husband never took me or picked me up. I had to arrange my own rides, both going and coming home. It was totally up to me to survive the experience the best way I could.
     It did not happen that way this time. My Thursday Sisters group prayed over me, Kat offered to take me to the surgery center and a dear friend offered to take me home. Kat sweetly came back after work and spent the night with me.  I did not have to ask. They were just there. Kat came by every day after the surgery for a week.  Just to see how I was. People called and checked... In other words, I had gone from being totally in charge of all of it to having people in my life who lovingly offered to help. It was hard to let them care for me. It was so very foreign and HARD. 
     God has spent a lot of time this year trying to teach me to let my children and others love me and do loving things for me.  That I was more than deserving of this love from them. That like Him, they loved me just because.... not because of anything I have done or said, but just because.
     Authentic.  What I started with. I got to work a little on each part of that definition. This experience has been all about me moving towards being more authentically me. 
 

Stolen Thoughts

     These are some thoughts that I have gathered from other people.  I am not sure who.... but I wanted to share them as they touched my heart and might yours.
          You are worthy of love and belonging, and I, God, loves you.
          Let yourself be seen - deeply and vulnerably seen
          Love with your whole heart - even when there is no guarantee.
          Practice gratitude and joy when there are moments of terror.
          I have enough, I do enough, I AM enough.
          We are imperfect and hard wired for struggle when it comes
          Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live.
And there are more someplace around here...
     I have lived most of my life wishing all of this was true for and about me. Thank God (literally) that I can believe most of them about me most of the time!
     The belief of me NOT being worthy and NOT being enough has plagued me for as long as I can remember. That I actually don’t believe them is a sin. OK – how is that a sin?  It's like slapping His face and saying, "NO! you did not do try hard enough here!!" If I don’t believe that God made me a worthy person or a person who is enough in any way shape or form, I am believing that God has not kept His promises when He made me. God always keeps His promises.   Perhaps not as we think He should…….
     How does one become worthy of being alive? The 139th Psalm says that God “has searched me and knows me,” that He has “laid His hand upon me” and that I cannot “flee from his spirit.” It goes on to say no matter where I am His “hand will guide me, (His) right hand will hold me fast.” I believed from the time I was a little girl that I was filled with darkness. Not evil, but dark and icky just the same. The Psalm also assures me that “even the darkness will be not dark to you (God); the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.” These are, for me, such assurances. So we don’t BECOME anything, we just ARE God’s blessed and worthy creation. We always have been/are/will be just that!
     There is a hymn, “I Want to Walk as a Child of the Light,” partially based on these words. I will never forget the first time I heard and sang that song at an Episcopal Women’s Convention. I cried my way through the words of it. I claimed it as mine. I still do. If there is no “darkness at all, the night and the day are both alike,” then no matter how dark and gunky I was inside, He only saw my God light.
      This was the start of an 18 year process of emptying out the dark and gunky stuff and turning and trusting what the Psalm and song promised, that I was light. I have had to take some drastic measures to believe that I am worthy AND enough. I have had to leave behind a job, friends, family, a lifetime, and the love of my heart to finally see that it is only God’s opinion of me that matters. And His opinion is that I am a worthy, extraordinary, precious child of His.

Celebration of a (continuing) Life

*     When all is said and done, the gift we give each other is ourselves.

    

A           A life was celebrated this past Saturday and Sunday..... Mine!!!  My best-friend-since-3rd-grade, Peggy, flew in from Chicago to surprise me, which she did on Saturday! Katherine, Molly, Jeff, Molly's husband, and of course the light of our lives - Jack-  had a 'pool party' after she arrived. The weather was perfect, sunny and warm, although I did have to heat up the pool a bit. We ended up the day by going to eat at a favorite restaurant. :)

             Sunday, another beautiful day, found Peggy and me meeting Molly and Jack at the zoo. Peggy and I took over Jack in his stroller and Molly went home to prepare for a church pot-luck.  Fun was had by all! Jack loved the 'monks' and 'elfn' and Peggy and I got treated when the lion roared over and over again!  He even got on the 'cliff' in his area to do it!  Just like the Lion King! Neither of us had ever really seen or heard that before!  Jack was less than impressed. He mostly enjoyed climbing on the railings at each exhibit!  Jack also preferred walking as opposed to riding in his stroller. He was a good little walker until he tripped. I had his sweaty little hand so he did not crash, but I could tell it was time to pack it in.  As we drove home, Kat called to see where we were and said she had finished her yard work and was going swimming and would see us at my house.  (Little did I know she was tracking our progress!)

              We pulled up into the garage as usual, I got Jack out of his car seat and we go in through the laundry room door....into a big yell of "SURPRISE!!!!!!!" My girls were having a surprise 60th b-day party for me!!!!  OMG!!!!  I was more than totally clueless! I was so surprised I forgot to put Jack down! I just gaped!  My eyes must have been HUGE! Really and truly, I did not even realize I had enough friends to even make up a surprise party!  Jack was almost frantic to get to his mama before I had enough sense to let him down and greet my friends! (Remember, we had been at the zoo getting sweaty....)

              I am still flabbergasted and I still get tears in my eyes!  What a Divine Conspiracy had happened right under my nose!  As I visited with my friends, I heard over and over, "I thought I almost gave it away when I .....  Didn't you wonder????"  I had seen NONE of it coming!  When did I stop paying attention to my life?

              I used my 6-hours-each-way trip to Louisiana to think about my continued surprised-ness.  I finally realized it was because I do not expect people to think I am special and to do special things for me.  Especially things that take a lot of time and any effort. Especially here where I have been for only 3 years. The girls got names of my friends from other friends, sent absolutely darling invites out, cooked a huge, delishious, wonderful dinner for about 35 people who showered me with gifts and love.  How could my 60th birthday not be my best ever?
              I need to take some time and rethink how I look at myself.  But most of all how I am loved by my precious children and friends, and also by a God who thinks I am precious and delights in surprising me and showers me with blessings beyond all that I could even ever ask for or imagine!

Holy Darkness

From You I hide me
How much will it hurt this time
To make me more me?

In the deep darkness
My name is called by Abba.
I’m again chosen.

The consuming night
In which souls seem to get stuck
He comes with new life.

In the Holy Darkness
Seeds crack their shells and emerge
Waiting is very hard.

Hidden by the night
Plowed under by unbelief
I yearn for the light.

My soul waits for you
You grab my hand and we run
Into Your freedom.

     I just got back from the third session, of a six session, 2 year-long retreat. During the past few months and days, we read and talked about “The Dark Night of the Soul.” The “Dark Night” is a time in life when God seems very silent and far away, when usual spiritual practices hold no comfort, and there is an exceedingly dry feeling in the spiritual part of us. A great sense of loss comes, as there seems to be something missing inside. However, the rest of life seems to go on pretty much the same. In that way, a “Dark Night of the Soul” is different from depression. During depression, life does not go on; it is slowly dragged out of us only by the greatest of efforts. All of life seems too much trouble, not just dryness or loss in our spiritual life.
     It can be terrifying when we realize that no personal power, action or thought can satisfy our longings for God. Every spiritual discipline (practice) is tried in order to bring the comfort level of intimacy with God back to where it last was. This time is, however, a necessary part of the deepening of a spiritual life. It is there, in the dessert, beyond our sight, that God does his greatest work. Often, God’s work or movement in our lives does not make sense or even realized until after the Dark Night is over. Only at the dawn can we look back at that time in our lives when we can finally say, “Oh that is what was going on."  The “Dark Night” can go on for a short or long time, months or years. I have often wondered if God couldn’t choose an easier way to move us closer to Him…..
     During this retreat time, we are “being trained” to become spiritual directors (aka spiritual friend, spiritual mentor.) In this discipline, we help others find and walk their spiritual path, see God in their lives, and find their growing edges. In other words, draw closer to God in a myriad of ways. Discerning that I was to be a helper in this way was a long time coming. I have been in spiritual direction for about 8 years. Having someone help me see God move in my life has been extremely helpful. I knew what a blessing it had/has been for me. But could I do the same, a good enough job, or would I mess it up royally? Should I be not just encouraged, but allowed, to work with other seekers? EEK!  What I need to remember is that God is really the spiritual director here, I am just a conduit for Him.
     I began this retreat last October not knowing if God had “called” me to be a spiritual director or if it was just my own wanting-to-be-one. I think I have my answer, at least in part. We have had to “find” someone we could “practice” on. This was a little daunting for me as most of the attendees are ministers, thus having a ready supply of people with spiritual lives. And, even though it is overseen by people with training and long experience in this area, who would want me to “mess around” in their spiritual life? So I prayed a lot about this dilemma. God surprised me with someone in a very timely manner. My directee and I are off to a good start, or so I am assured. I get to grow in this process too. :)
     Part of this training is that we continue to see our own spiritual director. I had someone in Palestine, but have a new one here in Fort Worth. She can often see what is going on in my spiritual life better than I can. When I see her, her first question is usually is something along the line as, “how is it between you and God?” or “how is your soul today?” There is not always a clear cut answer…….

Holding On

Like the rich young ruler
There have been many things I hold with clenched fists.
And as God has pried open first one finger then the next,
I get glimpses of His promises to me.
One by one, each finger lets go and the greed, bitterness,
Fear, self loathing, defensiveness, hate, unloveliness, worthlessness, fear, fear, fear
Are given into His hands.
At last my hands are open
And I can raise them in praise, friendship,
To give, to show love, to touch, to hold, to receive
All good things God has been waiting to
Bless me with before the beginning of creation

     A clenched fist looks angry; powerful in its ability to hurt. This body language carries more meaning than any words spoken. A fist portrays frustration, rigidity, hate, belligerence, and aggression. It is where we keep what we have grasped in our lives, whether good or bad. The negative things clutched inside our fist are what will keep us from a closer walk with God.
     My friend Martha told me this analogy. Imagine that you are holding a hamburger just like you like it cooked with the condiments you prefer on it. It looks so delicious. Experience tells you, you will need to hold it with both your hands or it will fall apart and make a messy pile on your plate. So, you are holding this hamburger thinking about taking the first yummy bite.  As you open your mouth wide for the first bite, you notice God is standing right in front of you with a big, juicy steak, cooked just right. You want the hamburger AND the steak! (I would want take one of them home in a doggie box.) However, to get the steak you have to take one hand off your hamburger. What do you do? Try the one-handed hamburger  hold? Which do you desire most, what you already have or the better thing that God is holding out to you?
     In the poem above, I have mentioned many of the things that I have held in my fists. Usually God has had to work hard to even get one of my fingers open. And on occasion, I open them just to try to get a better hold. When I do that, some of what is being held escapes into God’s waiting hands and he whisks it away. What a relief!
     I go on to point out what your hands are able to do once you have let go and they are open to receive. Another thought just occurred to me. Instead of holding individual fists tight, put them together and your hands will become a picture of prayer.

Being Made Fruitful

We don’t need to know
What seeds God has planted within us.
We just need to have our soul ready.
He will till it up – perhaps playing havoc – we dread this
He will water it – sometimes with our tears.
He will bring sunshine to it -through our smiles
He will tend the garden of our souls and make it fruitful.
We will just have to watch and see what grows.
God will use our fruits to feed the world.

     Gardening is one of my favorite occupations. It is there that I feel most connected to God. (The other time is when I find a close parking space!) Gardening is therapy for me, I can get lost in it. It sometimes surprises me how big my plants grow, or how small they stay, regardless what the little tag says. I have to dig them up and put them elsewhere else, where they will get the right amount of sun or shade. This moving often wreaks the effect I was trying to create. (Is the is the demon 'control' making an appearance?) I try to keep the flowers fertilized and properly watered. I have seen a saying that says "God laughs in flowers." What stupendous joy he must have felt as he created the Garden of Eden.
    Looking at my beautiful garden makes me smile. I have been known to drive by the front of my house just to look at it! The first year I ever planted flowers, my therapist at the time just smiled and said, "At last you feel like you deserve beauty and wonder in your life." We all deserve beauty in our lives. I think God surrounds us with abundant beauty but sometimes we don't recognize it as such. There are times that my gardening seems like just one more thing to keep up with. That is until I, while walking to get the mail, see weeds and bend down to pluck them out and all of a sudden I am immersed in the task and forgetting the mail.
     When I moved into my current house, I promptly pulled out all the formal landscaping that so defined all the gardens I had had up to that point. My neighbors have kept theirs all pruned and shaped. I was beginning a new life, and I wanted to begin with a new type of garden here. My favorite kind of garden is the "cottage style." This style is one big beautiful mess, with flowers growing over each other mingling their colors and textures and making an artist's pallet of wild beauty. This kind of garden also symbolizes my life up to this point. A crazy, beautiful mess of color, experiences mingling and harmonizing or clashing to make up a feast for the eyes.
     My soul has definitely been plowed under several times, sometimes so deeply I feel like I have lost sight of it. Even so, I have watered it with plenty of tears; friends, children, faith and laughter have spread bright sunshine in even the darkest corners; God tends to it, prunes, fertilizes and weeds it, when I let him. (I HATE pruning.) Flowers (fruits) appears, even when I don't understand why or how or what kind. And I am often blessed that I can help God give out bouquets to others.

Stumbling and Falling and Slowing Down

I spent the first 5 months of 2007 in a whirl of stumbling, falling, hurting and being healed. In those 5 months, I visited the ER on 4 different occasions. Three times for stitches and once for a broken ankle - which required an operation and 25 stitches. My children will strongly attest to the fact that I am often clumsy. I was in the place of overwhelmed. My mind was on how to survive in the long run, forget the present moment.  So I tripped and slipped and my life as I knew it abruptly stopped. The stopping season came after my broken ankle, when I literally could not get around without, much to my embarrassment, a walker. (I would have killed myself on crutches.) Slowing down was no longer an option. I know that this has happened to me before - alot! I don't think God causes these times, but He is a master at using our circumstances to lead us through our life lessons. And I had and most likely have many lessons to learn about speeding through life. 

Slowing down..... Not something our society encourages or accepts. Getting stuff done is of the ultimate concern and we are led to believe the more we do, the better we "are." I have tried that. And talk about stumbling and falling. I was a walking example, so to speak, of the slogan "Help!  I've fallen and I can't get up!" I just lived into it. Was it ever stressful and exhausting! As I've whizzed around Fort Worth the last three years trying not to be late, I have over and over put myself into the speeding mode. I made myself crazy trying to be on time. I usually was, but it was at the peril of other cars as I speeded to my destination. 

So for Lent this year, I gave up rushing and playing solitaire. I did pretty good. Last time I gave up rushing for Lent, it overflowed into the rest of the year. And since Lent began, I have become more peaceful and calm inside. Maybe I am just at that part of life where life in the 'fast lane' is truly a negative action. In the presence of Jack, my grandson, I see and feel how I rushed through my own children's lives to get to the next whatever. And how I regret that. But maybe it was just a mom-of-small-children thing.  Whatever... but I intend not to wish away Jack's childhood, but enjoy every minute I have with him. 

Plus, with slowing down, I do not stumble or fall nearly as much, and I have realized that it is OK to ask for help when I do fall. Because God sends someone to give me a hand up.  That my allowing others to help me is a gift to them. I know God has been and will always there to catch me, because even in a slower mode of life, things will trip me up. 

Solitare will be addressed at length later.

The Great Dance

God is always with me because He resides within me
As I stand united with him, I am most wholly myself
More than at any other time.
He/I move me to the right paths,
If slowly and stumbly sometimes.
We do not always see eye-to-eye on what path to take (my retrospect vision is always so much clearer)
And, if necessary, He takes me and turns me in the right direction
Beginning again on the journey
To the person He has rightly created me to be.
Amazingly, we do this dance over and over.

I step on His toes, we bump into others, careen off walls, (when I am trying to lead)

But the dance goes on.

Hurt toes heal, others forgive, missteps become fluid movement;

Twirls fling me out, then draw me back in.

And when it seems to me that we finally are dancing the same dance

The music changes and I stumble and stop – embarrassed – for a while.

He waits patiently when I need to be a wallflower

Until I am ready for the next dance lesson.

He has already filled in every line on my

Dance card with His gracious name.

And for this I am so grateful

As only He knows the right steps to the next

Dance of life we will share.